Roger's Quest
by Ginger Glinda the Tangerine
Summary: Roger embarks on a dangerous mission to help Mimi... But he may need help from one of the other bohos! All canon pairings make an appearance. Rated for language.
1. Do Me A Favour?

Roger was pulled abruptly out of his daydream by a scream emanating from the bathroom. Setting his guitar aside, he got up and hurried over to knock on the bathroom door.

"Meems? Are you ok?"

"No!" Mimi yelled back, and there was a thump that Roger guessed was his girlfriend stamping her foot.

"What's wrong?"

Mimi sighed. "We're out of tampons."

Roger backed away from the door slightly. "O-oh."

"Honey…" She was already pleading with him, and she hadn't even asked him to do anything yet. "Can you do me a huge favour?"

"What?"

"Go get me some more?"

"WHAT?" Roger was horrified. "You want me to… Why can't you do it yourself?"

He could almost feel Mimi's disbelieving stare through the closed door. "Are you shitting me?"

"I… I thought you were going to get some more last night?"

Mimi giggled. "I was. But me and Angel kind of got distracted."

Roger raised an eyebrow. If she'd been talking about anyone else he would have gotten jealous, but…

"And by distracted I mean drunk, you pervy little boy," Mimi scolded, misinterpreting his silence. Then she gasped. "Holy shit!"

There was a bang on the door and a sliding noise as Mimi leant against it in frustration. "Roger, please…"

"Uh…" Roger looked around the apartment, frantically searching for a way out. "Don't you have some spare for an emergency or something? I thought girls were supposed to be organised!"

"Organised? Me? Are you kidding? Remember that time I had to rush out somewhere and you had to remind me to put pants on?"

"Oh, yeah." Roger's eyes lit up as they landed on his other roommate. "Can't Mark do it?"

"ROGER!!!"

"Okay, okay," he muttered, grabbing a jacket.

"I'm going out," he called to Mark, who looked up, having heard the whole exchange. He tried not to laugh as he wished the furious Roger good luck.

"Thanks, honey," Mimi called from the bathroom. "Really!"

Roger pulled his jacket tighter around him and stepped out into the street. She owed him baking, he decided. Or maybe he could pay her back with endless Musetta's Waltz. Either way, he wasn't going to let her forget this in a hurry.

_What do you think? Please review... I'll give you kisses. Or cookies, whatever floats your boat._


	2. Help From Maureen

_Due to a review posted on the last chapter, I think I should point out that I'm from New Zealand, so I spell things a little differently from you weirdos over there in the US of A or whatever it is you're calling yourselves today… ;)_

…

Maureen was sitting on the floor of Joanne's apartment, watching mindless daytime soap operas and having her hair brushed, when someone knocked on the door. She closed her eyes and rested her head in Joanne's lap.

"Did you hear something, Pooky?"

Joanne put the hairbrush down and got up, carefully depositing her partner's head on the couch. "I'll get rid of them for you, honeybear."

She opened the door to find an awkward, embarrassed-looking blonde rocker.

"Roger? What's up?"

"Go away," Maureen called. "Come back when you can tell me who Susan's gonna marry."

"Conrad," he replied without hesitation, then shrugged when the girls looked at him in surprise. "Mimi watches that sometimes."

He walked over to Maureen, who glared at him.

"You ruined the story for me."

"Poor baby," Roger pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. "Listen, can you help me with something?"

The diva sat up. "What?"

Roger felt his cheeks flush. He stared at the floor and muttered, "Mimi, she… I mean, I…"

"Spit it out, Rogy," Maureen giggled, totally forgetting the TV in the excitement of seeing her usually unflappable friend blushing.

"She wants me to buy tampons," Roger blurted.

"What?!" Maureen doubled over with laughter. "She… oh, boy…"

"I need you to help me!" Roger pleaded. "I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing!"

Maureen managed to sit up, still giggling. "Okay."

She pinched his cheek, then held up her hands in defence when he glared at her. Joanne frowned at Maureen, confused.

"What's going on, honey?"

Maureen explained quickly, trying to catch her breath between fits of laughter. "And we have to go now, cause he's about to explode," she finished.

"Right," Joanne smiled, settling back on the couch and turning up the volume on the TV. "Have fun."

"We will," Maureen grinned, grabbing Roger's hand and dragging him out the door.

Roger extracted his hand from the drama queen's grip, folding his arms to protect himself from any more unnecessary physical contact.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

…

_Yay! Embarrassing Roger! Please review, and thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, you guys rock!_


	3. Intervention

_Sorry this has taken soooo long to update… But here it is, and I hope you like!_

_And just in case I haven't said it yet, His Holiness Jonathan Larson owns all. [His Holiness: "Yes! Ownage!"_

…

Roger and Maureen had gotten a few blocks away from Joanne's apartment when Maureen suddenly burst into giggles.

"It's not that funny, okay?" Roger exploded, unable to take any more humiliation.

"It's not that," Maureen gasped, struggling for air. "It's just. I just realised- "

She was interrupted by a squeal and someone running into her from behind, enveloping her in a hug.

"Angel!" she squeaked, once she'd recognised her attacker. "Hey!"

Angel kissed her on both cheeks before turning to Roger. "Hey, Rogy!"

She hugged him tightly, and he stiffened, patting her on the back awkwardly.

"Honey, what have I told you about attacking random people with hugs?"Collins asked, amused, as he joined the group.

"They're not random," Angel protested, letting go of Roger and turning him around for Collins to see. "See?"

"Not so happy about the snuggle attack, though," the rocker pointed out.

"Leave the poor boy alone," Collins grinned, ruffling Roger's hair. The guitarist slapped at his hand, irritated.

"Not the hair, dude."

While Collins cowered behind Angel in mock terror, Maureen tapped her foot impatiently.

"We can't stand around here acting like nongs all day," she announced, grabbing Roger's arm.

"What is it with everyone _touching_ me all the time?" he muttered, stepping away from her and massaging his arm.

"Oh, hush, you," the diva pouted. "I thought I was supposed to be the drama queen around here."

She turned to Angel and Collins, who attempted to look like they hadn't been making out instead of paying attention to what was going on.

"We have to go," Maureen told them. "We're on a deadly serious mission."

"Ooh, what kind of mission?" Angel clapped her hands, anticipating excitement.

"I probably shouldn't…" Maureen stared at her feet, biting her lip.

"Oh, please?" Angel turned her puppy dog eyes on.

"Shield your eyes," Collins warned, but it was too late.

"Okay," Maureen giggled, and whispered in Angel's ear.

"No!" Angel squealed. "So he…"

The girls collapsed into giggles, leaning on each other to keep from falling over.

Collins and Roger looked at each other, hoping for some explanation as to their friends' strange behaviour.

"Don't look at me," Roger shrugged. "She's your girlfriend."

Still laughing, Angel took Collins' hand and led him a short distance away from the other two so she could explain what all the fuss was about. Collins looked appalled.

"Dude," he murmured, raising an eyebrow at Roger. "You must be in love."

Roger blushed, causing Angel to squeal even louder, if that was possible. "That's so cute!"

"You're a spaz," Collins informed her, threading his arms around her waist.

"Let's go," Roger muttered, heading off down the street.

"Good luck, sugar," Angel called.

"Why does everyone keep saying that? All this…" He tried to say the word, and couldn't. "… Stuff… Can't be that hard, right?"

He looked over at Maureen, who just smiled knowingly.

"Right?" Roger repeated urgently.

"Sure," she replied, smothering a smirk. "Like falling off something fucking simple to fall off."

…

_Review? There will be cookies. And possibly cameos?_


	4. Roger Becomes A Tomato

Small competition in this chapter… Spot the five-word Sunset Boulevard reference and win a cameo! Exciting right?

_Here's where I disclaim some stuff[hilarious disclaimer_

…

Maureen led the way into the supermarket, still swallowing the occasional giggle. A few times, she turned to Roger and almost said something, then changed her mind and danced ahead of him, grinning.

"Maureen, what's going on?" Roger finally demanded, as they approached the dreaded feminine hygiene aisle.

"Nothing!" Maureen turned to find Roger frozen in place, unable even to think of a sarcastic comeback, or failing that an angsty one. He stared at the rows of brightly coloured packages in shock.

"What… What is all this fuck?"

"Welcome to the world of girls, my dear," the diva smiled, slinging an arm around Roger's shoulders. "So do you know what she wants?"

"Um… Tampons?" he muttered the hated word, trying not to feel like everyone was staring at him.

Maureen sighed. "Well, do you know what they look like?"

Roger stared at her like she'd just sprouted antlers. "I don't LOOK! Geez, Mo, who do you think I am, Joanne or someone?"

He looked around and found no one was actually paying them any attention.

"They're pink," he muttered, so Maureen could barely hear him.

"Pink?" she repeated, her ten years of dramatic lessons on projection throwing the word to the far end of the aisle. "She'll want these, then."

She selected a packet and held it out to Roger.

"No, the packet's pink," he corrected, attempting to hide his red face in his collar.

"For Elphaba's sake, Roger, stop being such a baby!" Maureen practically yelled. Or maybe it was just Roger's acute embarrassment that made it seem like she was talking ten times louder than was absolutely necessary. "And anyway, that doesn't help!"

"Well, I don't…" Roger trailed off.

Maureen finally took pity on him.

"She gets these," she explained gently, picking up a package and holding it out to the beetroot-coloured guitarist.

"Wha… How do you know?"

Maureen shrugged. "I'm a girl."

Roger gaped at her. "You mean you just automatically know that stuff?"

Maureen giggled. "No, stupid. I had to borrow some off her once."

"Borrow…" Several neurons in Roger's brain fired angrily, sending irritated sparks deep into his shell of embarrassment. "Why couldn't she just use yours?"

"Cuz then how are we supposed to have any fun?" Maureen laughed evilly, tossing the packet of tampons from hand to hand and totally ignoring Roger's death glare.

"We're done here," she declared. "You're paying, right?"

"Uh, I guess, but- "

Maureen grabbed another packet off the shelf and shoved them both into Roger's arms.

"Good! You can buy me some too!"

"MAUREEN!!"

…

_Gasp! What will become of our beloved heroine? Will she survive to see the next chapter? Or will Roger murder her out of sheer frustration? Don't forget to review!_


	5. In Which Roger Buys Tampons

_A/N: Look! It's not dead! –story takes a deep gasping breath and gets up, starjumping wildly- And dear readers, please give a warm hand the fantabulous Grapetheape, who shall be guest starring in this chapter. Enjoy!_

_P.S. I own nothing except a burning desire to get into Roger's pants._

"But Maureen- "

"Nope. There's no way out."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, Rogy."

The pair of bohos stood at the end of the queue to the cashier. Maureen's grin was so wide that Roger, if he hadn't been preoccupied with being supremely pissed off with her, would have worried that the top of her head was going to overbalance and fall on the floor.

He stared at the ground for a while longer, then raised his eyes to look at the diva as they inched closer to the checkout.

"Mo, please?"

Maureen giggled, then put on her best resolve face. "No! I refuse to buy them for you. You have to do it yourself. It's… character building."

Roger attempted to hide the packages of tampons inside his ribcage, folding his arms and pressing the packets to his sides. "I'm never speaking to you again."

"Roger, you know why you have to do this," Maureen singsonged.

"I don't believe that if I don't buy Mimi's fucking tampons you're going to steal my eyebrows with waxing strips while I sleep."

Maureen smiled. "Oh, I will."

She looked at the cashier, a pale brunette with a ponytail, who was looking at them expectantly.

"Your turn!" Maureen squealed, grabbing Roger's arm and practically hurling him at the counter.

"Uh… hey," the rocker muttered, dropping the packets onto the conveyor belt.

"Wow, you're dedicated," the girl smiled as she scanned the tampons.

"What do you mean?"

Maureen suppressed a cackle, showing remarkable self-control as she walked away from the cashier and leaned on the wall.

"None of the guys I know would even look at these," the checkout chick grinned.

"It's an emergency," Roger explained, half under his breath, as he flung money at her and ran from the building.

_Oh, God,_ he lamented. _Just kill me now._

_And there you have it! Short, I know, but hopefully sweet with it! Or at least vaguely amusing. I'd settle for that._

_So let's just say I'm Sweeney Todd, and reviews are my razors. 'Kay?_


	6. The End

_A/N: Yes, guys, it's finally done! I don't expect many of you to have stuck with this, but if you have, here you go! :D Many thanks to grapetheape, who liked to message me and ask when this would be finished... :P_

...

Roger stomped back into the loft, throwing his plastic shopping bag on the kitchen counter and shrugging off his jacket.

"I don't want those on my counter," Mark complained, looking up from where he was winding a new roll of film into his camera.

"Are you kidding?" Roger gaped. "I had to _buy_ the fucking things."

"Yeah, don't be such a little boy, Marky," Mimi giggled from her seat on the couch. "It's not like they've been anywhere yet."

"You mean you actually put them-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Markles, where did you think we put them?" Mimi laughed, then twisted around to look up at Roger. "Ooh, honey, you were right. Susan chose Conrad after all."

Roger stared at her. "What are you doing out of the bathroom?"

She turned her best pout on him. "You'd prefer it if I hid in there all day?"

"You said you couldn't come out because…" Roger gestured vaguely at the plastic bag on the bench.

"Oh, that." Mimi bit her lip and laughed guiltily. "I may… possibly have found some spares."

"_What_?" Roger's mouth dropped open. "You made me go through all that… I had to get Maureen to help me! She's never gonna let me forget this! And it was all for nothing?"

Mimi slithered off the couch and peeked into the bag. "You got the reight brand and everything? Damn, baby, you're dedicated."

She kissed his cheek and went into the bathroom to put the tampons away.

Roger sighed. "I give up."

Mark attempted to refrain from laughing. "On what?"

"Everything," Roger declared, flopping on the couch and staring at the TV, attempting to figure out how many layers of skirt this week's bride was wearing. Mimi returned from the bathroom and curled on his lap.

"Thanks for embarrassing yourself for me, my sweet," she murmured.

"You're welcome," Roger sighed.

"Do you really give up on everything?" Mimi asked, drawing patterns on his chest.

Roger smiled, slipping his fingers under her shirt and making for her waistband. "Maybe not quite everything."

"Uh-uh," Mimi warned, removing his hand. "None of that. That time of the month is not the time for hanky-panky."

"Would you stop mentioning that?" Roger pleaded.

"Sorry, honey."

They watched the antics on TV in silence for a while. Eventually Mimi looked at Roger disbelievingly and asked, "Did you really get Maureen to help you?"

"Yeah."

Mimi giggled. "She must be dying to tell someone about that." She gave Roger a short, sweet kiss goodbye. "Back soon."

Roger caught her wrist as she got up. "Where are you going?"

"To Maureen's," Mimi grinned. "So I can hear all about your brave adventure into girliness."

"Oh, no," Roger groaned.

"Oh, yes," Mimi cackled.

Roger fell sideways and buried his head in the couch. "Okay. That's it. I'm never coming out."

"Okay," Mimi sang cheerfully. "At least I know where to find you."

Roger waited until he was sure she was gone before he took his head out of the couch and stared at Mark hopelessly. "Why does she have to be so damn _cute_?"

...

_Thanks for the reviews that will doubtless be flowing in... ;P_


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